when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Still dying that you shit outside
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
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