He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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