I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
