I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
40s are totally the cure
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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