I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
