Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
