Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
