Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
