She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
