I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
