I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
