I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
