So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
