FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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