last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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