I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
