Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
