using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
