True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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