Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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