WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
