I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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