how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
