I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
