Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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