Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
