she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
