You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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