1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
