does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
