I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
