dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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