yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
