Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
sarcasm needs its own font
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
