Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
