wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
