Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
