I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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