When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
