I wanna passion pit in your ass
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
