The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
