There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
