Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
