I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
