I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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