It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
