my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
