I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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