nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
