I feel great
I just peed on a car
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
